August 4, 2009

America, it’s time we got serious about our healthcare situation, and that means we need really try harder at treating smokers and obese people as subhuman monstrosities. Medical science has shown repeatedly that there are only 2 reasons why people smoke and gain large amounts of weight:

  1. They think it’s healthy
  2. They do it for all the positive attention they receive

No, really. Don’t bother asking them, especially obese people, as their ability to understand complex thoughts has undoubtedly been compromised by the noxious trans fats they’re always consuming. The only loving thing you can do is tell them how much they repulse you, the walking medical liabilities, and that you only hope they die from their revolting gluttonous ways before they can corrupt your children. If they start crying, that means you’ve made an impact on them.

It is especially compassionate to spit on them.

If you have friends or family who are obese and, for whatever reason, are not likely to respond well to insults and ostracism, you should use your relationship to try to convince them to stop being fat. Here are some quick suggestions:

  • Suggest that they go on a lower calorie diet. Most obese people have never considered dieting before, and they’re certain to take the suggestion well. To encourage them, try relating the story of how you gained 9 1/2 pounds on that cruise to the Caymans, but worked it all off on the elliptical trainer in time for bikini season. This is exactly the sort of story they can relate to.

  • Emphasize the health problems associated with their weight. The fact is that the media, bought off by restaurants and food producers, seldom reports on the fact that unhealthy food is bad for you. As the lard-tard’s loving friend, it’s your duty to emphasize these facts, as often as possible.

  • Sometimes obese people will try to blame their obesity on depression or hormonal problems. This is a lie. Remember, fat people are jolly, and you should remind them of this firmly.

I don’t have any idea what to do about the smokers. Apartheid is probably the only realistic option.

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